Where Do We Go From Here?

Saturday, February 28th, 2009

Fenny and Reagan were graduated. The big day was came, a lot of happiness and congratulations all over the space. Some of them are proud, some of them are feeling glad and some of them choose to celebrate it with flowers even ballons.
Years we spent in university ends here, no more study, no more tests, no more assignments, no more pain in the ass. But it left one significanly important question in our life: where do we go from here?
The more we live, the more we have to choose and the more choices it will be. And after we are out from university, the door to the future is widely-widely open.
Which one do you choose? Where do we go from here?

X.O.X.O

A Night of Reunion

left-right: edo, fenny, dewi, susan, david, yuliana, ailen, novi, reagan

Friday, February 20, 2009..

It is always good to see friends you haven't see for so long. There is so much laughter, jokes, warmth, and happiness. Things that we had in high school will never be erased. It will alwyas be there everytime we're together, ready to be told, ready to be laughed, ready to be memorized one more time. I had a good time with them, so no other same things can compare.

Because no matter what happen, friends will always be friends....till the end.

x.o.x.o

Rolex vs Casio

Good sunday everyone!!! This is me again, blogging after a while.

My weekend yesterday consist of two parts. First part, I spent my weekend with Lili, Eunike, and her fiance (yes fiance) at PTC. The second part is, I spent my "after-weekend" at Sutos with Lili, her brother, and her entire cousins related family. To be honest, this last weekend is become my 'off-limit weekend'. I spent my time at PTC until 10 and after that I joined the family until 01.30. In the morning. Yeah.. that's really-really my off limit weekend. :D

For me, there is a difference between when you spend your time hangin' out with your friends and when you spend your time with an older person or people. With friends, most of the time you will have fun and companion. But on the other side - with older people, you are more will get some advice and experiences about life or about the problems we have in life. Like I got yesterday, I spent my day with Eunike and her fiance. As a man above my age, Eunike's fiance draw me a picture about the way most of men think. Well, as you know that man and women are the opposite of each other and sometimes we get stuck in it. They gave me a lot of suggestions, stories, and support and I really appreciate that.

At Sutos, once again I spent my time with some older people. Lili's counsins are married and they told me a looott of things about everything, but especially about a relationship between a man and a women. I conclude most of them here:

1. In the time you have a relationship with a guy, you have to make sure that you are happy. If you already crying out loud because of him or for him, you better leave him behind. "Pacaran" is the time when you are loved and wanted by him not the opposite.
2. The maximum age for a women to get married is 28. More than that is a red sign warning. But the perfect number is 24.
3. If a guy leave you without some assurance, you better ask him straight the face. If he still don't give you a certainty, you better leave him - right away.
4. There are differences between when you still in relationship and when you already married. The example they gave me is this: if you fall because of something, maybe your boyfriend will say "be careful dear". But if you already married and you still fall anyway, maybe he will say "watch your eyes!!". hahahaha. So yea, lucky you, if you're not experience that.
5. The last thing is probably the best encouragement suggestion: sebelum janur kuning melengkung, berarti masih ada kesempatan. hahahahaha..:D

After all, I've got this beautiful quote from the book Eunike bought yesterday, more or less has a meaning like this:

What you willing to let go will decide what God can give you in return

Apa yang bersedia kamu lepaskan akan menentukan apa yang Tuhan akan berikan kepadamu

The book said that the good is the enemy of the better. The better is the enemy of the best. So if you hold on to what you have right now even if you know it's not suit you, it mean that you are blocking God's way to give you the better, or even the best one.

Like one of my friend said, if you can have a Rolex quality to be in your partner for life, why you have to satisfy with Casio? :)

Guilty

I feel guilty. I feel sorry. I feel terrible for everything about this one problem. I have this "good friend" and we met at the hospital when I was working on my internship. I have a good impression on him, he is a very patient man and from some observations and testimonials, I can almost sure that he is really nice. And for me personally, he represents a high quality of man if you are looking for a high quality husband.

On the other side, one thing I barely stand is curiousity. And this "good friend" of mine gave me that for weeks. Well I can't tell everything here since it's online and it means everyone can read everyone will know (hahahahahaha). I have to admit too that the most negatif side in me is that I am a negative thinker. I don't know why, but everytime I know lessabout something, all I can think is negatif negatif negatif. And I know it's killing me, so that is why I need someone to straight it up my mind and the way I think. Thank you to my friends especially Lili, she is the one who helps me the most to straighten' my mind in my darkest moment.

Curiousity + negative thinking = another self-killing factor beside cancer and stuffs like that.

So, I've been tortured for weeks, busy guessing the reason behind my "good friend" unstable act. I was too afraid too ask because I was afraid of the answer. And along with that, I've been tortured by my negative mindset. It's killing me.It's killing me. It's killing me.

Short story, I did finally asked him questions related to what's killing me softly and I was shocked. I felt much guilty and most of all I felt sorry for him. I accused him not right in many terms and meanings without even try to think that maybe he has a reason for his unstable act. And yes he has a reason which make me feel bad until this very moment. He was in a relationship for five years with someone and he said he loved this someone so much. He spent a lot of time with her, never stayed for long at home just to be with her all the time. At one time, the girl left the town to Jakarta and they had a long distance relationship. One year later, the girl called just to break the relationship without any reason and start to ignore him. She even said that she is going to get married.

Right after I heard the story, I can't say anything even to myself. Suddenly I didn't want to be there where I talked to him. Slowly but sure, I finally can see everything more clearer. Maybe he have a trauma or something, I don't know. But sure it hurted him so much. And the most of all, I feel so ashamed to myself. I talked once about the quote in Harper Lee's To Kill a Mocking Bird book, about you can't completely understand someone until you see everything from their point of view, until you slip into their skin and walk the life with their own way. As you can see, I failed to do that. I failed to considering his reason behind everything and I just judged him with my own version. Even the judgement is only in my mind, it's enough to make me ruined myself.

Beside, I don't understand why the women did that to him. With no explanation and with cold hearted, she just dumped him right away. He is a good man - a really good man, and for me, he didn't deserve that. He still don't deserve it at all.

All in all, I finally can see beyond the eyes. To looking for a person to spend your life with, it doesn't always require her/his physical stuff. At the end, what matter the most is his/her heart - how beautiful is he/she inside, not outside.

p.s: I like quotes in the book, it's really inspiring. And the story of the book itself, it's beautiful.

Hepi Niu Yerrr 2009

Hepi New Yearrrr...Hepi New Yearrrr............!!!! Happy New Year 2009 to you all. We might don't know what is going to happen in this 2009 year, but first we must feel thankful for everything we had in 2008. And I do hope that we will get a better life and will become a better person. :)

It's been a long time since I wrote my last post. And that's because I have a lot of things happened. On December 27th, like I said in the earlier post, I became a bridemaid for Reagan's sister wedding. And if you remember my first impression about become a bridemaid was: excited and can not wait any longer.

So this is my post-impression and comment about became a bridemaid: almost exhausted.

Well, it's not because I wasn't enjoy myself become a bridemaid ; I still love the dress and the hair do, it is just never pass in my mind that if you become a bridemaid, the tiredness, the sleppyness, and the exhausted part is equal to the bride. So if I can take a conclusion here, being a bridemaid = become the bride herself! I slept at 23.30 and have to wake up at 03.00 in the next morning. Next I have to wait approx. 5 1/2 hours only for the make up, and not stop until the wedding reception. I even almost fell asleep at the church!! Geezz..

This is why, I don't like become a party host, especially this kind of party. Wedding I mean.

All I can think about this non-stop one day ritual of wedding is why the bride which supposely have to enjoy herself in the middle of her party, have to torture herself by wake up at 3 o'clock in the morning only fot the make up and hair do and hardly to enjoy herself in her own party at night??

Some said to me that moment like wedding is just come up once in a lifetime. But still, for me it is like torturing myself - once in a lifetime. Can it be simplified or something?

I don't need a big party which you can invite maybe a thousand people there ~ like I will recognize those thousand people. I am dreaming of a simple but nice wedding, which I truly recognize the people I invite (ok, which me and my husband to-be are going to invite). I will pick and wear a simple but nice wedding gown, simple but nice wedding hair do and make up (eww.. I hate make up) , simple and nice wedding party celebration. The conclusion is: I want to enjoy my own wedding moment!! I want to laugh and smile to the people I really know - the people I love, I want to share my special moment - my once in a lifetime moment - with them.

Well, that's my perfect wedding imagination if you ask me. hahahahhaa.

Anyway, have good days and I reaaallly hope this year will be better in everything for us. :D

HAPPY NEEEEWWW YEAAAARRR ALL!!!!!!

Believe

MERRY CHRISTMASSS TO YOU ALLLL!!!!!!

Wishing you a great moment with your beloved family, friends, and relatives perhaps. :)

Speaking of a word surrender, I remember something Pastor Edwad Supit told us when were at the church last two weeks. He said that (ok, I was distracted by the rain at that time so I don't remember much) sometimes people too much holding the plan, their own plan, so they actually don't know what God's plan for them. They want all the things happens along with their plan without considering maybe the Lord has another plan.

Above all the things in this life, I believe that God or me personally call Him -Lord is the only one who has the power of everything. I believe that something and every little things that happen in this life is allowed by Him. If something or everything not happen in this life, it is also not allowed by Him. He is the power owner, He has control in everything even for the little thing like today is is going to raining or not. But the funny thing is even I know those fact, I can't easily surrender to Him. Most of the time, if I want something to be happened, I keep praying and saying words - asking my plan to be accomplished. I keep asking until I realize that I am tired of it. I am tired of asking. And finally I realize, I am tired controlling my own life and my own agenda. The book I once read, The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren told me that surrender is a hard work. The first time I read those, I said how hard it is? But now I finally realize that yes, surrender is really a hard work. It is not easy to release all your wishes and plans and instead of that you surrender to the Lord who owns my life. But I keep learning to trust Him like this verse in the Bible: (I don't dare to translate it in english so I will write it originally, in Indonesian I mean):

'Percayalah kepada Tuhan dengan segenap hatimu jangan bersandar kepada pengertianmu sendiri. Akuilah Ia dalam segala lakumu, maka Ia akan meluruskan jalanmu.'

That is the verse a pastor from Malaysia once said last sunday. In his preach he said one important thing of all things you need to believe in God is about your soulmate. Well actually he said pasangan hidup but I don't find a proper and fit word to say it. hahaha.

At the very conclusion, the pastor asked us to believe that He will meet you with your soulmate at His right time and His right place. All you have to do is just believe. And to believe, you have to surrender first. And if until today if I am not find my soulmate yet, all I need to have is faith. I believe I have my own soulmate, the one who fits my key, the one who fits my lock. And if the day is come, ......I'm going to tell ya. haohaohaohoahaohoa.=P It is not easy to see that your friends have their couple and you are not. The only problem is I haven't find the best yet. But I keep telling myself that my time will come someday.

I remember I prayed to God once. I said I believe that to find a good man is rare (please do not use your own definition of good here). But please let me have one. I hope it will be come true. :)

And you know what, sometimes when I feel so tired to carry on the problems I have, the best place to cry is in silent, right to Him. That's because He is the one who care a lot. :)

Have a GREAT holiday everyone!!!

I Blame The Rain

Happy Monday everyone! I am blogging again. I just received this comment from someone in facebook,

"sori ni..koq mirip banget ma foto yang ada d webnya RSHU ?..coba deh liat www.husadautamahospital.com

btw med knal.."

His name is Novralta B. Erlangga, a quite complicated name to spell, eh?

Anyway, from the way he asked me that question, it is pretty clear for me that he isn't believe that the photo in Husada Utama Official website is me. Well I tell you, the photo in that website is truly me. 100% me. It is me who posed like a doctor in that website. Not only in the website, my face is in everywhere. In posters for their Patient Safety Seminar and in their Nov-Dec edition Magazine. I posed as a nurse, as a patient, as a doctor. In that magazine and in that website, I can be anyone. And for the return, I've got a good score for my internship. Quite fair, rite? hahahaha. And oh I tell you, being a model, isn't really comfortable for me. I have to pose here pose there, pose for a couple seconds, pose with different pose for a couple seconds, and so on. I wasn't enjoy it. And I was sleepy at that time. Gee.. But still, having my internship at Husada Utama is really a great experience.

On the other side, yesterday is my first day I am going to the church after weeks since I have to struggling with K (I pass this stuffff!!!!!! hoahoahoahoahoahoahoa). So I went with Fenny and it was raining. It was raining and the flood is everywhere. I got stuck in the car and I can not go out from my car because of the flood for maybe 45 minutes. I blame the rain and the flood for the 45 minutes late. Reagan's car was in front of me at the time when we decided to leave the church and go eat somewhere (I still blame the rain and the flood for this). But a second before we decided to leave, I said to Fenny that maybe we need to listen to some praise and worship songs, hoping a miracle that soon we will get a dry parking space. So I turned my iPod and play Hillsong's With All I am song. It's a joke actually. But a miracle is really happened! I got this dry and new parking space!!! I called Reagan and tell him to park his car next to mine. But the adventure wasn't stop there. Me, Fenny, Reagan, and Eoh had to walk to the church under our own umbrella, try to avoid the rain and the flood. The result? Our shoes are completely wet. Our jeans completely wet, us...completely wet. The pastor who preached yesterday was Pastor Edward Supit. He is me and Jackson's favorite pastor. He preached well actually. But the rain and the flood and the 45 minutes-waiting-in-the-car stuff kind of distracted my concentration. The funny thing about yesterday is: me, Fenny, and Eo..we all in the same color of clothes..yellow.

taken by: Reagan W. Kusuma

At the end, it still good to see them all. :)

Another plan: Watch The Day When The Earth Stood Still with whoever, revise the K and then submit them this Friday, make appointment to hang out with Joel and friends, and go to Dewi's sister 17th Birthday Party this Saturday and find her a present.

Twilight = Cute Vampire

Twilight is awesome! Well at least for girls. At least for me and Luce. hahaha.

One or two things I like from Twilight are:

1. The vampire is cute.
2. The vampire is cool.
3. The vampire is really really super sweet to this girl Bella.
4. The whole vampire family is nice and welcoming.
5. The baseball game a la vampire is nonsense but incredible.

It is actually a classic film about a vampire fall in love in human. The first time I heard about this movie, all I think about is this is kind of Buffy the vampire slayer type of film. Nothing something. Buffy fall in love with Angel (which Angel is really handsome too) but there is nothing special about the movie. I can't spesifically tell what's that something special about this movie but I think me and Luce and some other girls being excited after watched this movie is a proof that this movie is good, for girls. One thing I noticed was this vampire Edward is really care for Bella. He really sweet and he did many of things that make me and Luce feel like melting or something. And then, me and Luce come up with one conclusion: if there is a guy as sweet as Edward in real life, we won't bother the vampire blood that runs through his vein. haohaohoahoahaohaoa. Thank God there is no such like a vampire in this life. Or at least I never heard about that. ehehe. :p

Anyway, I went to the mall today and IDEKO just opened! If you are in Surabaya, you will know that IDEKO is a store that sells interior, decoration, and home equipment just like Floral Home or Vinoti. But what I love the most from it is the store decoration itself. It is very homey, very-very..whatever. They design every corner with different concept. In one corner, they put the kitchen equipment WITH the real kitchen in it. It is like they want to show us and give us ideas about how you are going to decorate your kitchen with their stuffs. And since I loooveeeeee everything about interior and home decoration, I really loooveeeee to stay there as long as possible. Believe me, my favorite store isn't SOGO or Charles and Keith. My favorite stores are supermarkets and stores like IDEKO, Floral Home, ACE Hardware, the places I can find unique home decoration and things like that.

p.s: I can't understand men. I can't understand men especially above my age. I have best friends which are men but I still don't get this one. Gosh.

Time Will Tell

Gud nite everyone! It is cold and rainy here, which is good because I like rain and I like cold better than hot and kemarau season. :D

Anyway, on of my best friend said to me once recently,

" What am I suppose to do to forget him???"

She said that sentence over and over again to me so I have no clue what am I suppose to do either to make her feel better. The first time she said that, I told her this: "You can't wish that in the moment you want those feeling to be gone, then it is gone. It takes time to be gone. Time will heal, time will tell. Just keep on moving this life. If those pain and those feeling still there, maybe it is suppose to be there somehow. I believe that everything has its own limit. And someday, you will reach that limit when you feel tired to have those hopeless and painful feeling, by then, the feeling will be gone by itself. Pushing it too hard just make everything worse. "

I am not being wise here, but at least that's what believe and that's what did happened to me years ago. I can't push a feeling to be gone. If that happen, I am no longer human. huahauhau. Yes it is true that if you have feeling for someone who don't love you back, it's hurt..it's painful. If you can not be with someone you really love, that's hurt too. But you can't just wish you don't have that feeling and you wish that you will be fine in a blink of an eye. You have to get through it, no matter how hard it is. But the good thing is, I believe that everything including everyone have its own limit. Someday, you will feel tired to keep carry on those feeling in your heart plus if the time is right, the feeling will be gone. You will fall in love again and sure you will be loved in return.

Well once again, that's my theory. We will see if this theory of mine is going to work on her. :)

On the other side, last Wednesday I went to House of Lea, the place where Ce Veronica (Reagan's sister who soon will get married) will do the make up and fitting the wedding gown. I went there because I am going to be the bridemaid for her!! :D I tried several gown and voila I got this one gown. It is yellow sampanye color and it's beautiful! It's perfect. Tres Bien. I love that gown and I can not wait to wear it this December 27th. Plus, this is the first time I will see myself wearing a gown, a reaall one for a reeaalll wedding celebration.

Can not wait! :D

Next plan: Go hang out with old friends, watch Twilight and Bold, submit the hard cover internship report, submit the revision for kolokium, fitting the gown one more time, go hang out with Fritz and Pratama, find out what happen with my DVD ROM, find a birthday gift for him, dye my hair, find the next episode of Brothers and Sisters, go and eat ayam tulang lunak Malioboro - Hachi-hachi - The Duck King - The Rock, and wait for the transporter 3.

I Did It!!! Yay!!!!

Monday, December 01, 2008 1.30 pm is my most memorable time in this year. Because in that time,

I FINALLY PASS THE KOLOKIUM STUFF!!!!!!!!HAHAHAHAHAHAHA..

oye.oye.oye.

I am soooo excited, happy, full of joy, full of happiness, and relieve. ahakahakahak. Finally, after a long way road and a long struggle I can pass this whole nightmare. It also means no more paper, no more books, no more stressful, no more pain in the ass. hehe. Yesterday, right after I got home from campus, the first thing I did was collect all my papers and books, put the books in the drawer and throw away the papers into the bin. So pai-pai my tons of books and papers and welcome holiday and fun! Thank you Lord for the chance, thank you my friends for all the supports: Yuni, Lili, Vonny, Vipe, Nita, Long-long, Novita, Delfi, Eunike, Fritz, Fenny, Luce, Jack, and others. I do thank you! :) I also want to say a lot of GOOD LUCK to the rest of you who still have to fight the kolokium thing, all the best for ya!

Meanwhile, let have a lot of good time this holiday. But speaking of holiday, I assume there will be a lot of have fun go mad acivities like go out with your friends. Lucy is here and so the others so it is like a perfect time to do the reunion. Well, not reunion actually.Just meet, greet, and share stories and just simply do a lot of fun together. When I was about putting some photos to my ipod (thanks to luce), I saw that old photos of mine with my friends from elementary schoolmates reunion, high school reunion, New year's eve BBQ party, and a lot more. It really awake me, remind me of every details how I really-really used to be there, used to be in that time, used to be with them in that time and in that place in that very moment. I realize then that each photo is just a part of the memory that we can recall. It already happened, and all we can do is just play it back...in our head, in our memory. But I never forget that I used to have a good time with them, and for me it is enough to keep that in mind. :)

Oh..I miss my friends..huhuhu.

Anyway, I want to say thank you once again to Luce, for the too late or too soon birthday gift: An ipod Nano (red edition it is!! :D) Muchas Gracias Luce!

Again, have a lot of luck for all my kolokium fighters, may God be with you.

HAPPY HOOOOOOLIIIDAAAY ALL!!!!!!!!! Have a lot of fun. Ciao!