Sep 27, 2009

By Bye Past. I Am Sure I Don't Want To See You Again Forever!!!

Dear Lord,

First of all, thank you for making me realize that for allllll this time, I've been so stupid and blind. Second of all, thanks to you for opening my eyes so I am no longer blind. And stupid.


The first time I fell in love with this guy, I really gave my best to him. It means my heart, my love, my trust, my everything, until I realize that I have nothing left in me. For me he was everything and I loved him that much. I loved him just the way he is. Until I broke up with him years ago, somehow I still believe that the condition and the situation was something that is wrong, not us. And even this last week, I still believe that it was not us to be blamed.

But then I realize, that the situation blaming activity is just another cover for my heart, for my thought, so it won't hurt too much. The fact is, the us factor is something that is wrong.

I believe that there is no coincidence in this life. God has special purposes for every problem we are facing right now. And He obviously has a point for me. The pain and sorrow that I faced months ago is a sign. I feel like God is slapping my face, tell me to wake up for my own imagination and fake hope and stupidipity. So this is the reality and facts that God told me (by "slapping" my thought), whether I like it or not, I have to admit it's true:

No matter how hard I try to have faith in him, he never fight enough for me.

For all this time, I've been throwed so many good men who loved me, just for him. or at least in my mind I still hope that someday me and him will get back again so I close my eyes from good men around me. This is a part when I supposely say, I am damn stupid. Geez

He is not that good, he is not that nice, he is not that worth it.

Soooo thank you, for slapping me right in the spot God, it really awaken me. Now I am super ready to let go everything. No longer have that special feeling I was once confessed to him, no longer have special memories with him in my head, no longer have him in my life.

I wish someday he will read this entry, because I really love to tell him in person but I am too not in the mood to do that. I wish that in the time he read this, he will understand that I mean every word I said and I don't want him in my life again - forever. But I still wish him a good life and good lovelife. I hope he can find another love that actually work better than with me and I hope he can fight if he find the right love of his life.

Let me have my life, which in fact, will be happier without him. I thank him though for changing me into a better person inside and out, through the pain that he made me to have. Really, I learn a lot. But I hurt a lot too. Well, I guess there is always a price tag in every good stuff huh?
So goodbye you, not come and mess up with my life again. :))))))))

Sep 13, 2009

God Changes You

One thing I adore from western people is how they solve their problems, by talking over it. They talk about the problem, what each other think, they speak their mind out loud. Well at least that’s what I see in Brothers and Sisters tv series. That is why I love that film. It gives me a blast in my head how by talking, expressing what you think, what you feel, and what you want is really the best way to solve the relationship problem. No offense, but most Indonesian people never used to democratically do something like that. They keep their feeling or thought hidden, hoping that the other party will be able to read it somehow. For heaven sake, they are not God.

I used to do that in the past until I realize that I become childish and selfish. So I start to be open with other people, let them know what I am thinking or feeling, or talk over what I want. But the most important thing is I just want to learn to be honest with myself. I learn that there is no reason to hide what you really feel inside. If you feel disappointed, you tell them you disappointed. If you love someone very much, you tell them the truth. Of course there are risks along with that kind of open confession. But we only grow but taking risks. And the most difficult risk of all is to be honest with ourselves and to others. I won’t regret anything. I won’t be a person who has a lot of things to say in mind, but can’t say even one single word. I won’t be a person who has a lot of things to say in mind but can’t say even one single word and one day s/he is ready to say something, s/he realize that everything is way too late. For me, it will be what hurt the most.

I once spoke about what I feel and what I have in mind to this long-story-someone. I tell him that he is the only person (at this planet earth. hahaha. no I’m kidding) that I loved just the way he is and for all this time, he is still irreplaceable in my heart. I confessed to him what I truly feel inside, because first he deserve to know. And second, I just learn to be honest with myself. I don’t regret a thing today, because that’s the truth. And even the end was horrible, at least I know that I already gave my heart a chance to speak out.

And yet he is still irreplaceable in my heart, and maybe until forever. It is like there is a hole in my heart along with I’m losing everything with him. There are too much pain and too much drama in this little story of mine so I won’t dare to go back to that time again. So even there is still a hole in my heart which is empty and sometimes make me hurt, but I rather keep on walking with what left on me, to the future. I am going to leave the past behind me, bury them deep down, and never dare to open it again. Like I said, it’s too much drama and tears.

I take a few steps back from him, hiding from everything related to him, just to make a room for me. I realize then that first, I really need to make peace with myself. I have to cure myself first before I face others. And it is hard for me because it is like stuck in between. If I have to give myself some time to recover with the way I think will help, so it’s also means that I am losing a best friend. He is my best friend which I found to be the most comfortable friend to talk to, to share something to. So yes, it’s a difficult time for me and a difficult choice to make. But I have to choose, because I believe this is what the best.

I just hope I am right.

Among all the things that happened between me and him, I realize one significant thing. That God changed me the most in the time I got stuck with him. The problem is a lot, and it is cause so much pain and tears for me. But God turned me better into someone I hardly recognize before. He want to me to learn something or many things from this pain and suffering. And now I’m become stronger, and I am become way too much better in everything.

But above all, I believe that there is a God who absolutely has a greatest power. He is the one who decides what’s happen and what’s not happen. I also learn that if God doesn’t allow something to be happened with His own best reason, it won’t happen! Even if you crying out loud ask for it. This kind of thought helps me to surrender t Him easily. This kind of thought helps me to, slowly but sure, heal myself.

So I believe that the complicated problem I had with him is allowed to shape my heart, so into His likeness I grow. And sure I will grow beautifully :)

I fell down but I get up again. I feel down for the second time, but I am still be able to get up again.

There I said it honestly again. :)))