2:59

Happy Sunday all. I skip church today because I need to finish my kolokium progress and it has to be submitted tommorow. So yes, I skip the church and I am in a deadlinepanic situation. This is how Iget rest for a moment by writing a blog entry. hauhahuahau.

Yesterday I have a great conversation with one of my bestest friend in the whole world (I think I don't need to speak a name here, just in case anything goes wrong) until 3 am in the morning. It was a nice and deep and short talk. Nice because it is always nice to talk to him, deep because this is the time I found it rarely I can speak what is really really in my mind with him and he is listening, and it is short because XL has this free phonecall start from 00.00 and XL forget to mention that it means that the phonecall have to be ended and I need to call him every 2 minutes and 59 seconds. So imagine that I've talked with him for 3 hours and more, how many phonecall actually I made last night. The simple thing to do the calculation is just divide the 3 hours with 3 minutes.

hauhauhauhauhau.

Anyway, I always feel pleasure to have a conversation with this guy. And that night I talked about a lot of things. A lot of things that he even didn't knew before, something that I only keep in my mind. I was thinking that nobody care about what is in my mind and I was thinking that not everyone, you know, give their ears and listen to what is in my mind, what I feel about something. And I don't know what happened to him last night, but he turned into someone who listen patiently and just start to..I don't know..amazed? All I know is that he just keep in silence after I told him everything.

I am proud about my best friends. I love them and I am proud of them. He said (the guy I was talked with) that I'm kind of too much in reaction everytime I meet one of my best friend. He said I have a great ethusiasm everytime I meet this one of my best friend. Then I told him, I react too much, I have a huge enthusiasm everytime I meet this guy because I feel proud of him! It is not because I have some crazy enthusiasm or anything you can think of.

I feel proud of him, proud of everything he do, proud of everything in him.

And I want to show it to the whole world that he is my best friend. And I am proud being his friend. People become misunderstanding about this. The only question is, do I need to say all that reasons?

I love them, and I think I don't have to tell everyone that I love them. I just have to simply show them and this kind of act...by being enthusias, is one of my ways to show it.

Once again....Prejudice. hah.

Some poeple said to me, don't put all your thought in the blog with all their reasons.

I just can say that I love writing. In fact, I can't stop writing. If people don't like my blog and my writing, they can leave, they can close my blog and never come back. It is all up to them.

So I won't stop writing.

I just can't stop writing.

Prejudice

I recently read a novel called To Kill A Mocking Bird, written by Harper Lee (she is a she, btw). It is a novel about love and prejudice. The story is about a small town lawyer in Alabama and his ordinary life with his two children, Jem and Scout ( she is a she,too). And one day, everything turn to be different when this two children's father have to defend a black skinned guy or they call it nigger in the other way. At that period of time, there are a gap between black skinned people and white skinned people. Black skinned people are under white skinned people in the hierarchy in their system. For this white skinned people, black people are only for servant. Not more.

One day, a black skinned guy was accused for a rape case. He was accused to rape a white skinned women. And Atticus, the father of this two children step up as this black skinned guy's lawyer.

Atticus believe that not every black skinned people are bad. Eventhough there are a lot of bad - immorale black skinned people, but not every of them are bad, not every of them are immorale.

Prejudice is something that Harper Lee want to speak up through this her one and only novel. People sometimes just judge other people base on what they know, what they hear, what they see. But the truth is, not everything they see, not everything they hear, not everything the know is the whole truth about something. Harper Lee said in her book:

"You will never understand someone until you look in everything through his/her point of view....until you slip under his/her skin and live a life with his/her own way."

I learn a lot since I read that book. I learn and also discover that sometimes our prejudice about something blind our eyes from the truth. We busy judging other people while we don't really know what really happen to that person.

I admit that sometimes I did that too. I did prejudiced some people in my life but I didn't know what really happen to that person, what is in his thought, what he feel. I just put him/her in a wrong and guilty position because they hurt me.

But thanks to this book, now I learn to not judge someone by looking from my point only. But I also need to see from their eyes, from the way they see from their eyes, from the way they think, from they way their ears hear something.

Or maybe, I don't need to judge anyone.

I really really know how it feel when people judge you just by seeing at one point and forget to see the other point. It is hurt. The funny thing is they don't realize it.

Anyway, now I am trying to not put a prejudice on people. Even what they do later is something that really really wrong, I realize that I am not the one who have the right to judge people.

There is a better judge who know everything without any error. You know who!

Have a blessed day everyone! As usual. =D

Seal And Heidi

Last few days or perhaps last few weeks I watched Oprah's Show, the most famous TV show in America. Really, she has a super power to influence other people thought. And what I like the most from Oprah's Show is she always has something worth to talk about. She is really good at explore her guests thought. And make jokes. If she has a chance, she always makes jokes. haha.

One of my favorite episode is when Seal and his wife Heidi Klum came to her show. There are a lot of things I learned from that celebrity couple. Seal is a singer and Heidi is a top supermodel. Basicly and usually, after get married celebrities like them become hard to find the right time to be together. Like you know yourself from the news that after they get married for a while or maybe if they get lucky for years -- they get divorce. And when they get divorce, they come up with all the reasonable reasons to cover the basic question whay they get divorce.

But this Seal and Heidi give me a new and different perspective about how exactly a marriage should go on. I don't know if someday they will get divorce too but so far from that Oprah Show, all I can see is they are in love and happy. Aawww..they are look lovely.

Seal said at that show that priorities plays a main role in a marriage. Or at least his marriage.

He said he is busy, he has a lot of things to do but his wife has his first priority above all. His wife first, then his family, and then the job. He said he learn from his father who did so much not good things to his mother and he learned from that so he can do so much better for his future wife.

Seal said that before you start to love your wife as a wife, you should put her in a position as your bestfriend. You should love her as you bestfriend because you don't want to disappoint your bestfriend. She is you partner for life though.

At the other road, I don't understand why some time people get bored with his/her couple after they've been in a relationship for years. I mean, someday you are going to marry your couple (hopefully) and it is a never ending journey, you will spend your lifetime with him/her. And you should be forever in love in him/her. So why that boring thing happen anyway?

I still don't get it.

I learned something from the preach at the church yesterday. The pastor is celebrating his 34th Wedding Anniversay (congratulations, Sir). And he shared then that there are conflicts in a marriage. You can't deny it. There is no perfect marriage. At the beginning of his marriage, he found so much troubles with his wife. Marriage is about making two human beings become one. And like I and other people know this for so long, we are all different. Especially when we talk about the differences between women and man. It tooks a lot of patient and changes over and over to make it better.

This is a part I like the most: The Pastor said, "I know I can't change my wife from being so stubborn and hard if first I can not change myself. "

Hmm.. that's a good one.

Anyway,recently my mom almost always preaching me about you are already 21 this year. This is the right time for you to meet someone good and get to know each other. Then she start to dreaming and bubblin' about her own imagination about her own daughter.

She keep tell me stories about her friends who her friend's daughter get married and so on and so on.

And I just like...

" .........................................................."

Oh mom, if I already found a good man and if I finally falling so much in love with him, you don't have to tell me all those stuffs. The fact is I haven't found that man. Hah.

But I believe there is a good timing for everything.

I patience with God timing. =)

It's All Wrong But It's Alright

Greetings y'all.

I know I decided to stop writing for a while in the last entry of mine. I thought at that moment that it will take a long time to get ready again, to get up and walk and cheer up again. I thought I will through the same pattern which you know; you will need time to escape for a moment, you learn to accept all those problems, and the move on slowly but sure. But something really bad happened after I wrote my last entry and I feel like betrayed.

Some people that I recognize them as some of my favorite people on earth, push me down and put me in the condition which I can' stand it anymore. I don't understand until this time why they chose to did that to me instead of try to cheer me up. Really, I don't understand the reason, their way of thinking. But the main point is what they did made me cry. I cried so hard and loud untiI feel my eyes hurt and I kind of hardly breathe. I felt like a panda at that night. Gee..

Then I remember I talked to God while I am crying and said,

"Is this what You want? I prayed everyday to You asking for a power to hold on and I am hold on. But this time, what they did to me right now is out of my power. To see me cry like this, is this what You want?"

I am not a cry baby, I am not a type of person who always cry everytime I have a problem but this is really really out of my power to hold the tears. I really-really can't stop myself cry at that time. So I cry anyway.

After I can stop myself from crying, something happened. Before and during I cried, all I felt is like full, hard, heavy feeling. But after I cried, after I talked to God that way, all I can feel is relieve, free, light feeling. Suddenly I am no longer feel sad or depress. It's just like someone or something take away my burden. And if it's not God who did that, I don't know who else.

Maybe I need to cry aloud some time, to clean up to wash away every burden I have.

And He clean me up.

Now, I really don't care what they said about me.

I will live my own life and not anyone can bother me.

You can call me sensitive. That alright.

You can call me talking like rubbish here. Oh..that's really alright.

All I can say is you don't know what I've been through all this time.

Even if you know (in fact one of those people who did this to me know what I've been through), you still did that to me.

It is all wrong. But it's still alright.

In the other side, I know this is some kind of test from above. I've been reading a bible every night and it's useless to read it everyday if I can't practice it in the real life. It is hard to not hate them who did that to me. But I try to obey someone who has a bigger power in everything.

He said I have to love them like I love myself.

He said I have to forgive them who hurt me, even if they hurt me a thousand times and ask me for forgiveness for a thousand times too.

He said I have to seek peace and try to get it.

He said I have to obey everything He said because what He said is good for me.

So I obey. =)

Back to the real life, this next semester is going to hard for me. I need to work as a part of my internship program for approx. 2 1/2 month and I am going to get through the hardest part in my Communication Science program which is....KOLOKIUM. Good and beautiful name in front but really deadly if you put your head into it.

Kolokium like I said before is the first part of my final assignment which is called Skripsi. yeah.

In this Deadly Kolokium, I need to prepare my topic for my communication research which is details here is a very important thing. I have to have perfect reasons why I choose that topic, and they - the judges or whatever you can call them- are going to ask me why I choose my topic. And they will ask the details. They will ask like: why I choose to choose that topic, why you are going to do that reasearch in this area or this place, why you pick this research object, why do you want to research this, and the other whys. All based on data, not my opinion.

I start hating why.

I have 7 books in my room right now and I think it's going to be a lot more.

I have to read them, pick the theories carefully, and start to write my kolokium proposal.

So have a blessed day everyone!

I am really fine right now. I am ready to write again this time. Fight!!! (^.')o

Oh yes, I am cheery merry person once again.

hauhauahuhauahuahauhauhau.=D

p.s: It is my blog! I can write anything about everything here. Get used to it please.

Thanks to Vipe for her loving entry and her loving Aerosmith's Dream On lyric. That's really sweet babe.

I do thank you.

Sing it with me, sing for the year

Sing for the laughter, sing for the tear

Sing it with me, if it's just for today

Maybe tomorrow, the good lord will take you away

B.P.G.I.N.D.W.M.Y (Be Patient God Is Not Done with Me Yet)

Hei all, sudah lama sekali kayaknya saya tidak update ini blog. But strange, I don't miss it. haha

Belakangan ini ada banyak kejadian yang banyak membuat saya down, banyak membuat saya banyak berpikir ulang tentang segala sesuatunya, dan membuat saya benar-benar harus menata segalanya mulai dari awal lagi. Pheww. It's hard. It's painful.

Dari segala hal yang ada di dunia ini, ada suatu hal yang pasti yang aku yakini benar. Bahwa dibalik setiap peristiwa buruk dan masalah yang muncul dalam hidupku, selalu ada campur tangan Tuhan didalamNya. Saat ini, ketika aku mencoba untuk mem-flash back kembali apa yang terjadi dalam hidupku di masa lalu, aku benar-benar jelas melihat disitu ada Tuhan yang membuat aku menjadi lebih baik. Aku menyadari bahwa justru melalui masalah dan peristiwa berat yang aku alami, disitulah aku dijadikan lebih baik. Justru dari masalah-masalah yang membuatku jatuh berulang kali, dari situlah kedewasaanku dibentuk. Dia yang mendidik aku menjadi seorang manusia yang lebih baik dari sebelumnya, setiap hari. Dan memang, ketika aku lagi diproses melalui masalah-masalah itu, tidak pernah ada jalan yang mudah untuk melaluinya. Dan karena bahkan aku tidak bisa mengandalkan teman-temanku, aku hanya bisa mengandalkan diriku sendiri. There are no more best friends for me. There are only good friends.

Bible, prayers, and tears are my new best friend in the moment. haha. And Job (Ayub maksudnya) is the perfect example.

Baru-baru ini ada banyak kejadian yang aku alami sendiri maupun yang dialami temen-temenku yang membuat aku mengambil kesimpulan bahwa seorang pria yang benar-benar baik itu jarang ada dan jarang ditemukan. Bahkan para pria-pria yang aku kenal dekat, aku kenal lama-pun ternyata tidak sebaik yang aku kira sebelumnya. Ada yang mengeluarkan statement yang pada akhirnya tidak bisa dia penuhi sendiri, ada yang tidak mau mengakui apa yang kelihatan jelas telah dilakukan, ada yang seringkali tidak respect bahkan dengan teman cewek mereka, and so on. I keep hear that stories, I experienced it myself some of that.

I am not talking about a perfect man. A man who think that he is perfect is not perfect at all. The thought that he is perfect is the unperfectness in him.

Now I see more clearly, they are not men yet. Still boys, still not growing up. Ah..they are only age 20-21 though. What I expect. hehe. Maybe I expect too much.

Now I see that finding a good man is a hard thing to do. Maybe there is a lucky factor in this. Maybe if you lucky enough, you will get a good man. A grown up mature man.

And hopefully, I am lucky enough someday. Amen.=)

So here I am now, with the rest power I have in me trying to fix my broken wings so I can be able to fly again. And until that time, I decide to not writing anything in this blog or in any other thing. Like I said, I need to be fixed. I need to cure my pain first.

Dan ketika aku sudah benar-benar sembuh, tidak ada satu orangpun bahkan dari orang-orang di masa laluku yang bisa membuatku jatuh lagi.

I will throw away my past, and always welcome my future.

God is transforming me right now.

And soon you will see the new me.

A better me.

A stronger me.

Ohh..don't think that I will look sad or look miserable. I will stay cheer up, I will sing I will dance I still do whatever I want to do to keep me happy. Only, maybe I am not that cheery merry person anymore.