I had this nightmare few nights ago. It was a blur but the feeling was real. I felt scared, I felt losing something. Something scary so that I can't even say it right now. And it leads me to one statement, that you don't know how it hurt to lose someone you love, until they're gone. I heard this statement million times, but I never truly understand the meaning. But now I understand, and it changed me since then.
I remember when I was 11 or 12, I cried in silent in my bed one night, pretending what if my mother and father is gone? Who am I gonna be with? What if I am left all alone just with sister and brother? And that thought made me very much frightened and all I can do was crying and crying.
And few days ago, I had the same fear. I had a bad dream and it led me to feel the same fear all over again. But this time, I am afraid I'm going to lose my mother since my father passed away when I was 13. I fully realize that everyone is going to die someday somehow. And I'm just afraid that someday it happen and I feel like not ready to face it. First I'm afraid I'm not ready to be alone without her, and then I'm afraid I haven't good enough to her. I owe her millions and for me the best way to pay it back is now, before she go back there, if you know what I mean.
And that thought, unconsciously, leads to how I treat her. I treat way much better. I keep remind myself that that's the only and best way to pay someone who really deserves it from the beginning. She's been fighting for me, defend me, love me, take care of me, educate me, and protect me. Like I said, I owe her millions.
I don't want to feel regret, I avoid that. So I try to appreciate what I have and try to keep it well. I believe the best way to made it up to someone is by treating them right. I won't complain if I have to drive my mother somewhere. I won't complain if she ask me to do something boring. I won't complain if I have to pay something I don't buy but for her. I won't complain as I start remember how much I am going to miss her when she gone someday.
And it make me to change the way I pray. I prayed a lot before this. I ask for an answer for my personal matter. I ask for many things, but for myself. But now, I only pray for one thing. I ask God to bless my family, my mother, my brother, and sister, and the home we live in. I don't ask God to bless me at all. I just ask Him to bless my family. I do this because I have my eyes opened that my family is the only certain thing I have, the only real thing I can hold on to when my world is dissapear. Besides, I know God will bless me even when I don't ask him to.
All I'm saying is if you realize how much the time worth especially when you are with someone you love. Not only parents, but your lover, husband or wife maybe, your brother, your sister, your children. Time flies so fast and sometimes we don't realize it.
We think we still have so much time. But I tell you, we don't.
There's nothing certain in a man's life except this: That he must lose it. ~Aeschylus, Agamemnon
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