Fragile Aquarian

Musim liburan gini, kayaknya gw bakal lebih sering deh update entry di blog. Habis gimana, ga ada kerjaan sih.hahaha.. But I hope I will find something to do, so saya tidak harus menganggur seperti pengangguran begini. hehehe

Kemarin habis dari gereja, gw ada acara BBQ-an di rumahnya tus2 di daerah barat sana. Dan satu hal yang buat gw seneng banget adalah ada seseorang yang sangat saya kangeni, sangat saya pengen temui menelepon sayaaaahhh. hauauhauhauhau. Ipan called me, and I am soooo happy. I just miss him so much, and I just feel like I am in the middle of time when I need his present the most - but he can not be there with me. Dia baru pulang ntar akhir 2009, dan gw pasti bakal meluk dia deh begitu dia pulang nanti. Dan sekali lagi, dia selalu ada disana walaupun hanya melalui sambungan internasional yang lelet di saat gw butuh seseorang yang bisa dengan sabar mau dengerin setiap keluh kesah gw. And he is cheered me up! So thank you pan...so much thank you.

Gw akhir-akhir ini baru aja menyadari ternyata banyak hal di sekitar gw yang gw hargai dan banggakan -- tempat gw bergantung selama ini ternyata yang menjatuhkan diri gw sendiri. I need someone who really care about what I say, someone who care about what is in my mind and what I feel. And my best friends failed me. All I need is a friend who sitting next to me while I'm crying. No need to speak a word, silence will be fine. But no one there, and no one can't.

Ipan said I need to be strong. Don't cry. But how can I not cry when I know that I'm all by myself to face this battle in my thought and no one there to lift me up? I am not that strong, but I am trying.

I throw a statement yesterday in the msn about something. And the tragic thing is my best friends, who notice that statement make a joke over my words yesterday. Do they ever realize that I almost mean what I said??? That it do break my heart in the time I'm saying that words?? Sad, they make it a joke. But it's not a joke at all. Now I know that's what best friends are not for.

And they failed me twice.

Di gereja kemarin, pendeta disana ngomong tentang sesuatu.

Pertempuran paling hebat dalam hidup kita ada di pikiran kita. And I am now in the battle of my thought, fighting for survival and a battle between being good or being bad. Being wise or being fool. Being a friend or being a foe.

Something that look nice in the beginning, raise me up. But then I realize that nice thing is not that nice anymore. And it fail me down.

Something that made me down for years, something that made the most dark level in my entire life and I need years also to get up and walk again --- fail me again, for the second time.

Maybe it is my fault to give them a chance - a chance to almost destroy my life. Maybe it's me who being a fool. I don't know.

But here's a thing. Don't ever come back and ruin everything again. I am over it. Now I am trying to build my life start from piece to piece again, so don't ever-ever come to destroy it again.

I used to believe in fairytales. About its never ending love and happiness, about the right prince and that true love kisses - that someday you will find your prince, fall in love and live happily ever after. I used to believe in forever.

But I guess it's all too good to be true.

• Happy Birthday Ipan!!
• p.s: June 23rd 2008.
• Thank you for being there, when nobody there.

Little Mars Boy: "it's what they do that matters, not what they say."