Guilty

I feel guilty. I feel sorry. I feel terrible for everything about this one problem. I have this "good friend" and we met at the hospital when I was working on my internship. I have a good impression on him, he is a very patient man and from some observations and testimonials, I can almost sure that he is really nice. And for me personally, he represents a high quality of man if you are looking for a high quality husband.

On the other side, one thing I barely stand is curiousity. And this "good friend" of mine gave me that for weeks. Well I can't tell everything here since it's online and it means everyone can read everyone will know (hahahahahaha). I have to admit too that the most negatif side in me is that I am a negative thinker. I don't know why, but everytime I know lessabout something, all I can think is negatif negatif negatif. And I know it's killing me, so that is why I need someone to straight it up my mind and the way I think. Thank you to my friends especially Lili, she is the one who helps me the most to straighten' my mind in my darkest moment.

Curiousity + negative thinking = another self-killing factor beside cancer and stuffs like that.

So, I've been tortured for weeks, busy guessing the reason behind my "good friend" unstable act. I was too afraid too ask because I was afraid of the answer. And along with that, I've been tortured by my negative mindset. It's killing me.It's killing me. It's killing me.

Short story, I did finally asked him questions related to what's killing me softly and I was shocked. I felt much guilty and most of all I felt sorry for him. I accused him not right in many terms and meanings without even try to think that maybe he has a reason for his unstable act. And yes he has a reason which make me feel bad until this very moment. He was in a relationship for five years with someone and he said he loved this someone so much. He spent a lot of time with her, never stayed for long at home just to be with her all the time. At one time, the girl left the town to Jakarta and they had a long distance relationship. One year later, the girl called just to break the relationship without any reason and start to ignore him. She even said that she is going to get married.

Right after I heard the story, I can't say anything even to myself. Suddenly I didn't want to be there where I talked to him. Slowly but sure, I finally can see everything more clearer. Maybe he have a trauma or something, I don't know. But sure it hurted him so much. And the most of all, I feel so ashamed to myself. I talked once about the quote in Harper Lee's To Kill a Mocking Bird book, about you can't completely understand someone until you see everything from their point of view, until you slip into their skin and walk the life with their own way. As you can see, I failed to do that. I failed to considering his reason behind everything and I just judged him with my own version. Even the judgement is only in my mind, it's enough to make me ruined myself.

Beside, I don't understand why the women did that to him. With no explanation and with cold hearted, she just dumped him right away. He is a good man - a really good man, and for me, he didn't deserve that. He still don't deserve it at all.

All in all, I finally can see beyond the eyes. To looking for a person to spend your life with, it doesn't always require her/his physical stuff. At the end, what matter the most is his/her heart - how beautiful is he/she inside, not outside.

p.s: I like quotes in the book, it's really inspiring. And the story of the book itself, it's beautiful.