8th monthlyversary

It’s July 26th 2010 and today is my eight-monthlyversary for me and my boyfriend. So happy anniversary for us, I guess! :D

For me, personally, 8 months is just a short time. I mean if you still go on together with the same person, you’ll spend your LIFETIME with him/her! So 8 months is nothing. But this past 8 months is really really tought me to appreciate what I have. I’ve been through hurricanes in my love life, I loved someone but I never got happiness - something everyone deserves when they fall in love to each other. But then here come this man. I never knew where the love came from, but it happened! We are formerly best friends who used to hang out together but ended up with being a lover. It’s kinda weird at the beginning, you know, changing your setting from best friend to lover.

But from time to time, all I realize is this: that in a grown up relationship, you must found not only someone you really love, but also someone you comfort with, someone you really trust, and someone who can be you best friend and partner for a lifetime. I am lucky enough to found a man with those criterias :)

And this man of mine, he is not perfect. He sometimes can make mistakes, make me upset and else. But in the other side, I know he loves me in the way I never imagine. He knows my favorite foods, he knows my favorite snacks, he knows my favorite drinks, he knows every details about me! It really took me by surprise :)

When I am mad to him or sad or in a bad mood, he try to hug me. By the time he did it, I knew I couldn’t be mad at him anymore. When I am hopeless and I need someone I can count on and NO ONE is there for me, he is the one who show up and become my personal hero.
What I love the most from him is when he said to me that he loves me the way I am. So I don’t have to pretend to be somebody else. Well, I can’t pretend to be somebody else though - he already knew me for years as best friend!

I realize that love can change anytime, people do change everytime. But I do really wish that this particular love, this particular man I know may never be changed. I really wish he is going to grow up better in everything, but still I can recognize him as my best friend, my great boyfriend, someone I can count on and trust, and as someone I am sure I’m going to spend the rest of my life with :)

Listening

Hola fellas, I'm back! I know it's been a long time, but time seem not enough here. I've been busy with my job and my side job.hahaha. Life's also been good to me, although know sometimes I'm feeling not grateful enough with what I have and what I got.

What am I suppose to say here? I usually come up with some topic in mind, but this time is blank.Oh there a topic just crossed my mind.

Few days ago, I realized something. As you know, I'm not a perfect person. I am not some kind of someone's favorite. But I try to be better. I know and I realize that in order to be mature and wise, we have to make few or maybe lots of mistake in our life then we realize that's wrong and we fix it. Or we can learn it from other people experiences. The point is we have to learn from mistakes. And one mistake people often do and one mistake people don't realize is they don't listen to each other.

For me, to have a good listening ability is great. Few people have that. By listening more and talk less, you'll learn a lot, you study a lot about the person, about life, and else. It will helps you wiser somehow.

And I want to have that ability. I want to listen more and talk less, because I want to learn more.

But please make a difference between listening and hearing. In hearing, you just hear the voice, but in listening, you pay attention to whom you listen to. And guess what, listening is a hard work.Yes, it will drain your energy, it will make you tred and boring. But hang in there, because if you do that, that'll train level of patient too.

All I say here is, few people are willing to listen. They like to talk rather than listen. But if the world want the same thing, it must be pretty noisy, huh? :)

Journey To The Past

Have you ever haunt by your own past? Wherever you go, it follows you. You can't escape, you just can close your eyes and pretend you're not see it. But it there. It always there, in front your very eyes.

I try to forget it. And I thought I was. Until lately it bothers me again. I keep thinking why it has to be happened?Why You let it happened? You just can erase the feelings, and it didn't have to be happened and hurt both of us for the second time. But it happened. It hurt both of us, and left me with a big scar, something anybody can't heal. Even God. It only gets better, but not dissapear.

But once or twice these days, I've taken to the past for a while. It's still painful, and I know I don't want to go to that time anymore. But one thing I can't ignore, I still care about the subject related. I want him to have a great life, move along, and be happy. I do wish he has that, I do wish he know that I want that. In fact, I know something sweet between us that once or twice happened in our life can never be ours. I have to let go, I have to give up, because I have no choice.

I have to move on myself. I am now being with someone that cares a lot and I love him. He is my lover and also my best friend. I am thank-ing God for that. I just wish that this time, I have my luck to go onboard with him until forever. So I don't have to sink again, for the second time.

Letting go is really a hard work. But if you have no choice, well maybe you just have to pass it anyway. Eventhough it means that you have to get out from it, half alive.

Qs

What do you want the most in life?

That's my ultimate question for me these days.

I've been thinking a lot about a lot of things. About my relationship, my future, and mostly about where do I go from here. I mean, if you still in school, you know exactly where do you go from there, to the university. A little bit wider, after go to the university-mostly you have three big choices: get married if you already found the right guy or go to get your master degree or get yourself a job.

Now this is something that bothering me a lot: if the choice number one is no longer my option since I haven't ready (or he hasn't ready yet), and I have no interest to get my master degree, then my last option will be get myself a job right?

I have a job. I have a great job here. I am thankful for that. While I'm working my great job, I am preparing a long term plan: get married with my future husband.

The questions are bubbling in the air now. Who's gonna be my husband, the one I stand beside in the aisle? Is my boyfriend, in this present, is the one? How do I know that he's the one?

How's your life after married? How long it take to get there? 3 years? five? ten, by any chance?

How's our life after married? Financially, mentally, physically? Can we get along with the entire big family from both side?


I still have a lot of questions which I can't describe it all here.

I am now in the position of not sure about everything in my life. With my relationship and my future.

I'm a person who have a wish to get married soon. In my own opinion, marriage is about love and about you ready or not. It means you are ready financially, you are ready mentally, you are ready to blend yourself with someone-you love. And it can not be measured by time. It only can be decided by how good your process, luck, and God's will. So I don't mind if I have to get married when I'm 26. It's not like the end of the world.

Too many questions to be asked in once right?But I think as we grow up, we think about the future a lot more. Life is no longer a playground, where we know that everything is still settle and safe. I am now in the real world. I am a grown up women. Have to be ready, have to take risks, have to face everything by myself.

Isn't it a hard work?

Happy 23, Me!

Hello, it's good to be back again. It's been a long time since my last entry and I'm kinda miss to write here.

Life's been good to me these days. I have a great fantasic super (what else?) job, the kindest boss alive, friendly and crazy colleagues, great office, and else.

Last Monday was my 23rd birthday. I was very happy that day, because I've got an-almost-surprise from my colleagues, which, was way beyond my expectation. The surprise wasn't stop there. My two bestfriends came to my office and brought me this self-made cake:

Is it cute? :D

The last but not least, my boy gave me a wallet as a gift with funny wrapping. He glued the post it paper one-by-one until it wrap the wallet. He wrote his wish there. It's kinda cute. And funny. And silly. hahahahaharr

Well, what can I say? I'm not a huge fan of birthday. It's not that I'm not feeling grateful, it's just I don't want to be the central of attention. You know, if today is your birthday, everyone keep saying that "Happy Birthday yaaa" to me. I'm just not that person who enjoy attention.

So I keep thinking, what is wrong with me? Everyone loves birthday. Everyone enjoys birthday. And then I simplified the definition and meaning behind birthday:

Birthday for me is a special day to celebrate your birth day. And it going to be very much special if you are surrounded by the people you care and love and the people who loves you. I don't need the whole world to know it's my birthday. I just need the people I love.

Like I had two days ago. I had my best friends brought me a self-made birthday cake, they came to my office and that took me by surprise! I had my colleagues arranged a surprise for me, they gave me a little gift (a gift voucher, yay!), and I had my boy and also my best friend to be with for the rest of the night.

I'm officially 23 now. Nothing much different between before and after my birthday, but one thing I know should be different: is myself. I have to be more grateful and more thankful for what I have. My life isn't perfect. My family isn't perfect. My friends aren't perfect. But they are all I have. And I simply couldn't ask for more :)

Happy 23, me!

ps: you guys should watch 500 days of summer. It's a good movie, really.

That's two of my colleagues. love them!

A present from them! :D

That's my best friends!!! :D

Just In A Relationship

Hola everyone! Today is a foggy day and it is a perfect weather to get lazy at home. Anyway, enough about the weather chit chatting, I have a news to break. I am finally in a relationship with someone after almost five years I guess, being alone. And it's not easy to adapt to something that you rarely do or you did it a quite looong time ago. But unexpectingly, that thing happened two last night. he is one of my best-best friend and I've been closed to him for years as a friend. But maybe the timing was right or maybe the feeling was right, I don't know. All I know is we get close very easy, we knew each other for a very long time, and circumstances was right, and that led us to where we are right now.

For all this time, I always believe that God has a beautiful plan for me and my life. I always believe that whatever happened and whatever not allow to be happened in my life is in His hand. I always believe that He is the total control of this universe. And so I believe that the reason why He allowed me to be alone for almost five years is that He want me to see and learn from another person surround me, about how complicated human being are when they relate with another human being, how selfish they are, and how one human being fake themself to another human being just to show how good human being they are.

It's funny sometimes when I come up with this kind of reason...you know.."blaming" God for my aloneliness. But I always bring my feelings and desire of something I want to my prayers. He is the only one I'm not lying about my feelings to. And He really do answers my prayers, even if the answer is the answer I never expected.But really, no matter how hard I tried to have a

relationship with someone I like, I always successfully failed to have one.

So funny how this time, when I brought my feelings to my prayers, and I asked Him to open the way if He also want me to be with him, He really did it. Everyone look happy for us, and the most important is I already learnt a lot about how a relationship suppose to be -- give them wings to fly. It means that you have to let your couple being themself in front of you, not faking or being someone else they don't.

I believe this too: that at the end - at the very very end, it is very important and relieving if you know that someone you are with, is the one who can hold your hands and stay beside you no matter what happen, and they still love you for who you are, even if your world is crashing down.

All I'm saying is you better not in hurry to find someone. It is much more better for you to live alone, than you spend your time with a guy or a girl who doesn't fit you or you're in pain when you're wth them. It is good if you already found someone great and you get married ASAP. Then you're the lucky one. But for me, it's better if I wait a little longer to find someone I really fit with, then build my life together with him. The point is I don't want to regret anything in the future.

I remember one sentence my friend once told me. If you want to know your "jodoh" or whatsoever, find someone who can balance you out. Or in Indonesian you can say it: mengimbangi. And I think that's true. Not everyone can balance us out. So if you feel like you already found that person, what else do you looking for?

A Long and Winding Road To Start My First Job

Next week from now, is going to be one of my biggest day on earth. And that's because I am going to start my first day at work as a secretary for director in this one financial advisor company. I got this job a loonggg time ago (well, not that long. I got this job since early August), and even before my graduation day! And the funny and silly part is I haven't work yet until this very moment. That's because, according to my future boss, the new office at Graha Bukopin isn't ready yet. So I have to wait for almost two months now. But the problem that's killing me the most is I can't stand boringness. I can't stand doing nothing all day! I feel boring, I feel useless, I can't sleep at nights!!! (the I can't sleep at night part is because if I do almost nothing at mid day, I almost can't sleep at night) In order to avoid that "insomnia", I have to think and do all the possible activities, which are watch DVD series until midnight, browsing the internet searching for anything to fill my head (and I turn out learning about stock market, interest rate, inflation, and other economic stuffs. How cool is that huh? ;P), hang out somewhere with my friends, cleaning up my room and the entire house, re=order my stuffs. I do this back and forth. Geez.

Surprisingly, the browsing and learning part is my favorite activity beside watching DVDs. I love to read because it can give you more knowledge no matter how small or useless the information is. If you read something new, you know something new and that's good. It will enlarge your knowledge so you do not just freeze out if one time people surround talk about some complicated subject. So I push myself not only read the fictions, but also the heavy one like the economic subject or else. I pick the easy-to= understand website like howstuffworks.com to help me. Well, if you didn't took the major, it doesn't mean you can't learn about it from the non-academic way rite?

Anyway this next Monday is my first day at work and i hope I can get along with the job, the boss, the partners, and the work environment. So far the boss is great and nice, the partners mostly are my high school friends and one of them is one of my best friend, the office is new, the office location is in the downtown, and the salary is more than great. For me this is one in a lifetime opportunity to have a job with a lot of advantages like this. It sure will enlarge my knowledge especially in financial subject and of course will enlarge my networks. I'm so excited!!!

Wish me luck everyone, I hope everything is going to be more than just fine :D :D

My Car Is A Supermassive Black Hole

I wonder.....WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY CAR?????Why I always lose something when the thing is in my car???????? aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh >,<

I don't know what is wrong with my car, but really, I think that there is something wrong with it. It is like my car has a black hole or something which can make a stuff of mine.....disappear!

It start to happened months ago, when I borrowed a novel book from my University's library. I can not wait to read it because it's a book of my one favorite writer, Meg Cabot. I put it in the left seat next to me. Then I had to pick up one of my friend, so I put my stuffs AND the book into the back seat. I just throw it away to the back seat with the thought that it still gonna be somewhere in the car anyway. BUT!!! after I got home, I look up for that book...and voila! it's gone. IT'S GOOONNEEE....!!!OMG. My friend, apparently, also open the back door and put his stuff too. So I predict my novel was fell off from my car...by accident.

I had to pay for Rp. 60.000 in return, because if not, I can not be graduated. Of course I chose to be graduated and I paid those stupid 60.000. What a waste --!

Now the second black hole incident happened just now. Tonight. I rent two movies I love to see (because Matthew Rhys plays the movies) and as usual, I put it in the left seat. Then I had to pick up my mom. As usual, I put off all my stuffs to the back seat. As usual, I throw it all without any notice that my DVDs can be very slipped. I thought I throw away the DVDs with the other of my stuffs. But AS USUAL......I lose it again. And this time, I predict, my DVDs was slipped somewhere in the outer corner of my left seat without me notice it, and I didn't threw it away with the other of my stuffs, and when my mother opened that stupid door, that stupid DVDs just fell off from the car.

I don't even know what to say. It's way to impossible for me. --!

I have this plan to go home and then watch my Matthew Rhys in this two movies with this warm heart, but now it's all gone. My Matthew Rhys is gooooneeee T,T

For the completion of my stupidipity, I don't even know how to connect the email account my boss gave me into Microsoft Outlook Express. I don't know what to fill in the email server internet connection wizard or what the hell. My life is pathetic...at least for tonight.

But really, I am curious, is it possible to a car to be a black hole?*wandering*

For those who doesn't know who the hell is Matthew Rhys, here it is:

He is cute, isn't he? He is also smart and damn funny. I love smart kind of funny guy ;)

By Bye Past. I Am Sure I Don't Want To See You Again Forever!!!

Dear Lord,

First of all, thank you for making me realize that for allllll this time, I've been so stupid and blind. Second of all, thanks to you for opening my eyes so I am no longer blind. And stupid.

_______________________________________________________

The first time I fell in love with this guy, I really gave my best to him. It means my heart, my love, my trust, my everything, until I realize that I have nothing left in me. For me he was everything and I loved him that much. I loved him just the way he is. Until I broke up with him years ago, somehow I still believe that the condition and the situation was something that is wrong, not us. And even this last week, I still believe that it was not us to be blamed.

But then I realize, that the situation blaming activity is just another cover for my heart, for my thought, so it won't hurt too much. The fact is, the us factor is something that is wrong.

I believe that there is no coincidence in this life. God has special purposes for every problem we are facing right now. And He obviously has a point for me. The pain and sorrow that I faced months ago is a sign. I feel like God is slapping my face, tell me to wake up for my own imagination and fake hope and stupidipity. So this is the reality and facts that God told me (by "slapping" my thought), whether I like it or not, I have to admit it's true:

No matter how hard I try to have faith in him, he never fight enough for me.

For all this time, I've been throwed so many good men who loved me, just for him. or at least in my mind I still hope that someday me and him will get back again so I close my eyes from good men around me. This is a part when I supposely say, I am damn stupid. Geez

He is not that good, he is not that nice, he is not that worth it.

Soooo thank you, for slapping me right in the spot God, it really awaken me. Now I am super ready to let go everything. No longer have that special feeling I was once confessed to him, no longer have special memories with him in my head, no longer have him in my life.

I wish someday he will read this entry, because I really love to tell him in person but I am too not in the mood to do that. I wish that in the time he read this, he will understand that I mean every word I said and I don't want him in my life again - forever. But I still wish him a good life and good lovelife. I hope he can find another love that actually work better than with me and I hope he can fight if he find the right love of his life.

Let me have my life, which in fact, will be happier without him. I thank him though for changing me into a better person inside and out, through the pain that he made me to have. Really, I learn a lot. But I hurt a lot too. Well, I guess there is always a price tag in every good stuff huh?

So goodbye you, please...please...do not come and mess up with my life again. :))))))))

God Changes You

One thing I adore from western people is how they solve their problems, by talking over it. They talk about the problem, what each other think, they speak their mind out loud. Well at least that’s what I see in Brothers and Sisters tv series. That is why I love that film. It gives me a blast in my head how by talking, expressing what you think, what you feel, and what you want is really the best way to solve the relationship problem. No offense, but most Indonesian people never used to democratically do something like that. They keep their feeling or thought hidden, hoping that the other party will be able to read it somehow. For heaven sake, they are not God.

I used to do that in the past until I realize that I become childish and selfish. So I start to be open with other people, let them know what I am thinking or feeling, or talk over what I want. But the most important thing is I just want to learn to be honest with myself. I learn that there is no reason to hide what you really feel inside. If you feel disappointed, you tell them you disappointed. If you love someone very much, you tell them the truth. Of course there are risks along with that kind of open confession. But we only grow but taking risks. And the most difficult risk of all is to be honest with ourselves and to others. I won’t regret anything. I won’t be a person who has a lot of things to say in mind, but can’t say even one single word. I won’t be a person who has a lot of things to say in mind but can’t say even one single word and one day s/he is ready to say something, s/he realize that everything is way too late. For me, it will be what hurt the most.

I once spoke about what I feel and what I have in mind to this long-story-someone. I tell him that he is the only person (at this planet earth. hahaha. no I’m kidding) that I loved just the way he is and for all this time, he is still irreplaceable in my heart. I confessed to him what I truly feel inside, because first he deserve to know. And second, I just learn to be honest with myself. I don’t regret a thing today, because that’s the truth. And even the end was horrible, at least I know that I already gave my heart a chance to speak out.

And yet he is still irreplaceable in my heart, and maybe until forever. It is like there is a hole in my heart along with I’m losing everything with him. There are too much pain and too much drama in this little story of mine so I won’t dare to go back to that time again. So even there is still a hole in my heart which is empty and sometimes make me hurt, but I rather keep on walking with what left on me, to the future. I am going to leave the past behind me, bury them deep down, and never dare to open it again. Like I said, it’s too much drama and tears.

I take a few steps back from him, hiding from everything related to him, just to make a room for me. I realize then that first, I really need to make peace with myself. I have to cure myself first before I face others. And it is hard for me because it is like stuck in between. If I have to give myself some time to recover with the way I think will help, so it’s also means that I am losing a best friend. He is my best friend which I found to be the most comfortable friend to talk to, to share something to. So yes, it’s a difficult time for me and a difficult choice to make. But I have to choose, because I believe this is what the best.

I just hope I am right.

Among all the things that happened between me and him, I realize one significant thing. That God changed me the most in the time I got stuck with him. The problem is a lot, and it is cause so much pain and tears for me. But God turned me better into someone I hardly recognize before. He want to me to learn something or many things from this pain and suffering. And now I’m become stronger, and I am become way too much better in everything.

But above all, I believe that there is a God who absolutely has a greatest power. He is the one who decides what’s happen and what’s not happen. I also learn that if God doesn’t allow something to be happened with His own best reason, it won’t happen! Even if you crying out loud ask for it. This kind of thought helps me to surrender t Him easily. This kind of thought helps me to, slowly but sure, heal myself.

So I believe that the complicated problem I had with him is allowed to shape my heart, so into His likeness I grow. And sure I will grow beautifully :)

I fell down but I get up again. I feel down for the second time, but I am still be able to get up again.

There I said it honestly again. :)))