But She's Still Love Me Anyway

Today Dec 22nd is our National Mother's Day. And this day might awakening my sense of writing once again (after a long hibernation) and I'm about to write about my mother as a "priceless" gift for her today.

Everyone have their own reasons why they love their mother. And I have mine. I'm not saying all good and all pretty because there were times when I get stuck with her in an argument or I got mad to her about something. But in the end of the day, my mother is the one who's standing at the very desperate end of my life to support me, help me, rescue me.

I lost my father long time ago so my mother is also my father until today. And having two jobs all in one is not an easy job to do. She's working hard for living but she's still have to struggle with her children. And I know I'm not an easy person to deal with when I was a teenager but now I'm pass through that level and begin to realize what have I done to her is not what I expect my future teenage children to do. I broke her heart many times but she's still love me anyway.

Sometimes she can lose control and I can lose control and we argue. She stick to her thought meanwhile I still want to stick with my own idealism about how am I suppose to handle things. we are two different human being after all and having an argument or two is the most normal thing in the world. But when I down or someone is trying to hurt me, she's the first person standing and defends me anyway.

I am a tough person. I can handle problems by myself and fix it. But no matter how tough I am, I remember when I was a kid, sometimes I cried at night. My mom (and dad at that time) were sleeping in the next room and I cried in silent. I didn't know what's wrong with me but at that time, I cried because I was afraid like I am going to losing them tomorrow. So I guess no matter how tough I think I am, I'm still longing for my parents anyway.

When she was deadly sick few months ago, I was scared to death but I didn't show it. I just keep on praying begged His mercy to give my mother a longer life. A chance for her to raise her children and a chance for me to be a better daughter. She's the only parent I know for such a long time since my father passed away and I will never ever ready to lose another one. Now after my mother is perfectly fine again, I know that God really really heard my prayers and I realize that His love can come through many unlimited ways. One of the ways is through my mother's love to me. And I think He still prefer that particular way to keep loving me until today :)

Even some years I forgot this Mother's Day or maybe I forgot her another important day or she forgot mine, I'm sure I will always love her and I also sure that she will love me anyway.

Happy Mother's Day, Mother.

Here's a song by Richard Marx's Thanks To You for you. I mean every words :)

Thing I Want To Do Before I Die

Today is the first day of raining after a long time of dry and hot season. And just like the first time of everything, it feels so good, cold, and somehow makes this heart warm. The rainy season in my country always reminds of snowy season in other parts of the world like in Europe or in America. I know for some people and some country like Russia and else, snow can be very dangerous. But I like to think the pretty side of the snow, it gives you a Christmas-y feeling. Beside, for me, snow is the prettiest thing in the world I am dying to see. It's so pure and white and it's very beautiful when it falls down to the ground.

Since I was a little, I always love to see Christmas theme films like the first Home Alone for example. The story of the film is funny, but what I love to see from that movie is the Christmas and the snow that came along with it. I know Christmas is about the spirit of the celebration but Christmas isn't complete without the white snow. In conclusion, for all this time, I always dreaming about white Christmas.

And talking about the thing I want to do before I die, there is one thing that always come up in my head. I want to see the white Christmas. I want to see and feel the snow in bare hands and I want to smell the Christmas tree from near. I also want to shop Christmas gifts for my love ones and most of all.. I want to share the Christmas warmth surrounded by my family, friends, and my love.

That's the beauty of Christmas and snow.. even if you feel cold outside, but somehow you can feel the warmth inside you.

So yes..I am sure. That's the thing I want to do before I die. I want and I have to meet the snow one day. And I am sure one other thing: I am sure if I keep feeling sure that one day I will step on a white land with snowflakes fall in my hair, that faith will do come true...eventually.

:)

Define The Richness

A month ago, my mom was sick and she was hospitalized for almost 3 weeks. It was one of the darkest time in my life and I pray to God that I never have to pass that time again in the future. She had a serious inflammation called sepsis and I really can't imagine what would if the treatment wasn't right. My dad passed away when I was 13 so it must be very scary to almost lose a mother too when I am now 24. So I prayed hard and harder everyday, I beg to God to put His mercy on me and my mother. He listened to my prayers and my mom is in a total fine now.

Since she was out from the hospital, there are many things change in her, in a good way. Before sick, she forced herself into massive activities so she forgot to eat and even drink water. But now, she is carefully treat her body better. Moreover, the most visible changes in her since she was out from the hospital is the way she value her life and health. From that day on, she prays every night and she avoid anger and any stressful mind. You know what, it doesn't change my mom only. It's change me too.. in a way I see this life.

For my entire life, I thought that the only wealth in this world is money, diamond, gold, and so on. If you have a lot of that stuffs, you are a rich person. Well of course I know some people once said that your health is your best asset, your greatest wealth. But most of the time, I am easily ignore that. Since my mom got sick and she was fine again, it really opened my eyes about how I define richness in this world. I may be don't have that giant amount of money, a sack of diamond, a bar of gold...in the time I leave this world, I won't bring it with me. I was born naked and yes one day I am going to die naked. He doesn't give me that much of wealth but He entrusted me with one irreplaceable treasure, my health.

I observe how rich people will die anyway even if they have all the money in the world the need to bring back the good health. I observe how they die and their coffin is real expensive but it won't change the fact that they are dead anyway. I don't know what will happen after death but I'm sure they won't bring along their money to heaven (or hell, not sure). So your good health is extremely important, irreplaceable, and priceless.

So since it's priceless, I can say that I am one the richest person on earth too, right?

Of course not everyone see this thought in the same way. Some will still think that having money, gold, diamond, and their friends is the important obsession to chase. Well yeah go ahead for that. Maybe one day if your "truly" wealth is taken away, you will reverse your thought yourself. And when that day come, let's just pray that it still not too late.

The Power of Prayer

Last week was one of the most horrible week for me. My mom got sick and has to be hospitalized for almost two weeks now. She got a heavy infection named sepsis, which is a severe illness in which the bloodstream is overwhelmed by bacteria. And because we were underestimated the fever my mom had two weeks ago, the infection was already spread to her whole organs including the liver, her kidney, her bone marrow which cause her thrombosis was dropped to the very low score, her lab result was very "ugly". and her whole body was suffered from her sepsis illness.

I was shocked and I felt my two legs became weak after I realized how dangerous my mom's illness and how it can cause death if she doesn't hospitalized immediately. Then I started to pray. My mom is Buddhist and I am a Christian. And at first, I had this confusion between praying to whom I believe which is Jesus Christ or should I pray to hr God in Buddhist..you know like Kwan Kong, Dewi Kwan Im, etc. I was in a massive desperation and I didn't know what to do or asking for help to who. But at one moment after that, finally I can literally speak and I pray to my God. I told Him that it crossed my mind once to ask for help to the other gods. But then I realized that I don't recognize them-the other gods. The only god I know is Jesus Christ and to Him I asked for help. My mother is a Buddhist but I'm sure my God loves her too. I prayed to Him once, I don't ask for anything to Him. I only ask for one thing: please bless my mother and please give her a long nice life so she can witness my wedding one day, she can see her grand daughter born, and she can help me to take care of my little baby in the future. I ask to Him for a good health for my mother.

And that time I repeat my prayer to Him.

I lost my father when I was 13 and living an imperfect family is hard enough for me and my family. I honestly don't know what to do if He decide to take away my mother too soon. I almost lost direction and sometimes I feel very much hopeless to see my mother being weak and suffer in the hospital. I have 2 little brother and sister who still need her guidance and her present. I really don't know what to do if the worst thing happen, but thank God my mom is now far more better than a week ago.

I think He listen to my prayer and I can't thank Him enough for just listen to it :)

Sanctuary

Do you agree when someone tell you that imagination is the same thing as a dream? So if you imagine about stuffs, it means you're a dreamer. Well I like to be dreamer and I like to dream. It could takes me to thousand places, even to places that exist only in our imagination.

I dream about a lot of things and I've been traveled to many places in my mind. But one of the best places I've traveled to is a fields of gold. This imaginative place of mine is different than your imagination if you're trying to imagine my imaginative place right now. Like I said, it's the only me who can tell it exactly like I imagine it and I am the only one who can go there.

My imaginative place is more and less like this: it has a beautiful fields of barley surround the village. I imagine myself standing between the barley and I feel the wind slowly blowing through my hair and body and I close my eyes. It's evening and the sun will be set soon, the red sky is the most prettiest thing there. It make me praise the mighty Lord for His spectacular creation.

I imagine myself having a company and I prefer it's a man. We sit there in the middle of the filed, trying to listen what the wind have to say. I feel loose and I feel freedom. No need fancy outfit, no need shoes, no need to tidy up my hair.

More than that, I imagine myself living in a simple life in a simple house, simple neighborhood, simple job, simple relationship, simple in everything. I imagine that everyday after I finish my work, I go to the fields of gold and just sit there enjoying the life given by Him.

It may sound too much for you, but in my imagination..it's beautiful and I love it there.

I am a women living in a big crowded city. Living in a big city is great but perhaps that's why I choose to create a simple imagination. Because I don't want to lose the balance between where am I right now and what I really want inside.

It's my sanctuary.

Even A Joke Has A Limit

Have you ever joked by someone or a group of people who you never had any thought of doing it? I just did. And it felt horrible until I cried about it. Even worse, it was done by some people and it obviously took me by surprise. I am hurt until right now and I can't believe that situation made me so much uncomfortable and ended up with my tears..even until now.

It about my weight and how people see it as an overweight. I am fatter than when I was in college and yes I admit it. The situation in my office which is always sit behind my desk and almost do nothing make me lose the balance between foods I eat and the calories I actually needed. But for the record, if you imagine what am I look

like, I am DEFINITELY not like this:

or not even close to this:

I mean I am a little bit overweight compared to my actual ideal weight but I am not like them (the pictures).

All I am saying is even a joke has a limit, and if the joke is already over the limit, you'll see it on those people you make a joke of. Or at least you have to be a little bit more sensitive about what you're joking about. Not everyone take a joke as funny as you think it is.

In my case, the reason why I cried when I was joked about my weight is I am trying to lose my weight. And for some people, it's not that easy. I tried and I have the effort to lose my weight. I tried and yet they still joked me about it. How ironic.

This is a silly matter really. For them, maybe it's just a joke and they will probably think that I am over sensitive. Yeah, wait until they got in a position where I am standing right now. Maybe not about they weight. Maybe it's about your economical situation, it's about your skin tone, it's about how skeleton-ly thin you are.

Oh ya, about the thin stuff. I don't understand why people LOVE to make joke about fat people but not the THIN one, like this:

See? For me, that girl is the beautiful version of this:

But then I came out with a thought. I should not care about what the say. In the end, a joke or not a joke, it wasn't funny at all for me. I think about those who acknowledge about my over weight problem but not make joke about it in front of me. Instead, they suggest, they recommend a solution, they try to help me - not make joke about it.

They are my true friends and family and boyfriend. Especially my boyfriend who acknowledge the problem but he still accept me for who I am, not in what weight I am.

Is it too much to appreciate those who treat me well and make a BOLD line between those who make me cry just because of my weight? Is it a sin to be overweight? Because for me, it's okay to be a little bit overweight as long as you're happy and it doesn't take effect on anybody.

I am happy with what I am and what I have right now. Why should some people even think to mess that up?

Happy Endings

Weeks ago I had a long nice chat with one of my long lost friend and we ended up chat about those ex who will get married. She heard the news from her friend that her first love and also her ex boyfriend will get married soon. She told me that no matter the situation is and how long you've been break up with him already, she will always feel something weird inside her the time she heard the news.

Does it always apply that way?

If you feel something like my friend felt about her soon-to-be married ex boyfriend, is it the sign that someway and somehow you do still love the person? Is it possible to be okay to heard the news if you completely do not feel anything for the particular person? Or the real question is, is it possible to not feel anything for your ex? People said that once you love someone, you can't get rid of the feeling from your heart. Even if you're breaking up with them and they leave from your life, the feeling is still there somehow and somewhere. You just don't realize it.

That could explain much of the mystery. In my friend's case, it's clear that she somehow still feel something for her ex boyfriend. She said that the ex is her first love and I exactly know how hard to erase the strong feeling you once had for someone.

I can't imagine myself in her position at that time because I haven't experience it yet. But I tell myself if one day it comes along, I would be happy to feel happy for my ex. I might still feel the weird feeling inside me, but that's it. I will feel it, understand it, and let go of it. Then I'll be happy like I said earlier.

Me and him, we tried to work the relationship but it didn't work out anyway. So if we work the relationship out with someone else, so it means that we aren't meant to be together. It also meant that we both deserve to be happy with someone else but each other.

If he found one and he is happy, I'll be happy too.

Because I know someday the vice versa will apply :)

My Own Version of Human Lifespan

Earlier today, I listened to my mother's complaint about my younger brother who is still 17 year old teenage. And like any other teenage, they are all still searching for their identity and their place in this world. The complaint, though, do give me an insight thought about a new human life stages or human lifespan. All we know about human life stages is more and less like this:

taken from: mortology.org

The picture I attached above is an example of ordinary human lifespan. I have another opinion about this human lifespan. For me and at least this applied for myself as I flash back to my past, a specific human lifespan is like this:

First we are born into this world. We are so fragile and cute and funny. Everyone love us and dying to kiss, cuddle, and carry us.

Then we're growing up become a teenager. This is the phase where we usually intend to choose our own way to solve our teenage problems. In my teenage life years ago, I was quite a rebellion. I intended to choose my own way in almost every problems I had and sometimes it led me to be a selfish person, especially for my family. In that time, my friends and my teenage love life had a higher priority than my family. That's something that I regret these days. But life back then is much more simple than today. All I need to think is my study (and my teenage love life and friendship). Breaking rules were a fun thing to do, so do messing up with the teachers and else. The most extreme consequences you might get is maybe a detention. It's obviously doesn't apply to my life stage these days, I'll get fired haha. But it's funny sometimes when I flash back to my teenage life right now, I kinda miss it. You know what they say, a teenage life is the most memorable time of our life :)

After teenage, we become youth. Well you can compare youth with college time. In this period, we are trying to be more independent and dealing with consequences by ourself. We choose our own subjects, we take care of our own assignments and tests, and we take responsibility for our grade. In this stage, my mother never asked me about my assignments, schedule, tests, and grades. Not because she wasn't care, it was because she handed over all those responsibilities to myself. All she knew was paid for my tuition and saw me graduated.

The next stage is Active Life which is where I am right now. I'm 24 years old and I am a professional in a Financial Consultant. Everything is different right now compared with my previous life stages. I now handle a higher responsibility that I can't mess up with it. But more important is the way I grow up not only physically but also in my mind. Quick and precise example is about my younger brother. I picture myself like him years ago with my mother complaint about me all the time. Sometimes I get mad at him because of his irresponsibility and rebel, but hey that was me back then too. But most of all, in this life stage which is now, my family is having a higher priority than my friends :)

All I'm saying is we are all once a rebel and irresponsible. But over time, I believe that those rebel and irresponsible side of ours won't last forever. I believe if my brother is now suck a pain in the ass to my mother, he'll learn to be a better person years later. I believe in every everyone's life have their own way to learn something to become better. I believe God has a billion ways to shape one person to become what He want them to be.

I don't know what person I become when I move forward to my next life stage, maturity-seniority-death. But I insist to learn to be a better person. Everyone is going to face death sooner or later. So I put this thought in my mind as often as possible that I don't want to regret a thing when I reach my finish line. I want everything beautiful when I get there.

It's not too late to start a fresh start from my today's life stage. I am giving thanks for everything even they are not perfect. My family is not perfect - I lost my father when I was 13 and sometimes I have a fight with my family's members. But I am thankful for them because they are the very persons who will be there when you need help the most. My job is not perfect - sometimes I get boring and not feel the challenge anymore. But I have the funniest, greatest, craziest colleagues and the nicest boss ever. My boyfriend is not perfect. He is not the most handsome boy in high school and he can't give me everything in this world. But he is a guy who want to wait for me and catch me everytime I fall.He loves me for the way I am and that's what I need the most from him. I am not one of the famous and richest person in my society - I'm just an ordinary person. But I am proud to be ordinary as long as I am free. I'm free to do what I want and what I become. I give thanks to God for a good health I have since a good health is the most valuable God ever gave me, beyond money and wealth.

I guess that can make me one of the richest person on earth, right? :)

Writing Is My Talent

I miss writing. I do miss it very much. But somehow I don't know why, everytime my head is fill up with thoughts and I try to keep it for later at home, it is like evaporating and leave me nothing but blank page. It's maybe because I'm too busy and because I'm busy I might have no time to open my laptop and start typing. Or maybe because I get bored of writing. Could it be? Can you be boring to do something that you do (probably) best?

I remember back then when a Singaporean Indian pastor prayed for me and in his prayer he said that "writing is your talent from God so use it well" even though he never met me before, and ti was actually right. I love writing and in my opinion, writing is what I do best among almost all. I love to play with words and I love to explore and describe one thing, so those who read my writing understand what I'm trying to say. So in the time he said that sentence, all I know is one thing. God recognize me and He really really know me so well.

And as a thank you, I want to use this talent He given me for goodness, especially for the glory of His name. That is why, as you can see, in my previous blog entries I sometimes speak about how amazing He is in my life and how He works in my life over and over again. I can't be thankful enough to Him.

I lost my passionate to write until last night I prayed to Him to give me answer. I said if this talent is your gift for me and if this true is my talent, please use me, give me something so I can make it a powerful weapon to influence people about You. Make this talent of mine useful.

I want my passionate back, I want to write a lot. I want to convert my mind into words and I want that words become something worth reading. Should I stop writing for a while and take some break or something? *(almost) hopeless*

I Miss You

Just listen to Darren Hayes' I Miss You song and this is one of my favorite songs. The lyric is just super romantic. I think gay people can make more romantic song than the normal one :p

Anyway, this song is about a guy who miss a girl so much and at the end of the song, he said that he think that he maybe fall in love with the girl. This song make me flash back to the time when I was younger than I am today, especially when I was in high school when love (or puppy love, whatever) was more simple than love is today. In high school, when you have a crush with someone, and when you miss someone, the feeling is more and less like Darren Hayes' I Miss You song. "Because I miss you, and this all I wanna say. I guess I miss you beautiful, these three words have said it all. You know I miss you, I think about you when you're gone. I guess I miss you nothing's wrong. I don't mean to carry on."

Everything is different now that I am in "grown up" relationship. In a "grown up" relationship, all you want is a steady strong relationship, not just the feeling you feel or about the butterfly on your stomach. What I mean about the butterfly in your stomach is the feeling you feel when you nervous because you're near with someone you long for or you have feeling with and all you feel is transform to some reaction in your stomach because of that nervous feeling. I used to have that back then, but it's all gone now. I know I can't turn back the time, so this Darren Hayes' song is really helping me to rendezvous my old sweet yet stupid memories about missing someone so bad until you want to sing it to them. This song is good and most of Darren Hayes' Spin album are good, at least for me. The lyrics are deep.

And one of my favorite quoted lyric of him from this song is this:

" It's such a hard life and most of the time I;m just surviving. That's why I want you to know, in a world where sincerity has lost its meaning, you fill my world with so much hope"

Love has a powerful impact, you know, if you're using it right. Vice versa, it can be damaging to some people. So take a good care of it and appreciate its presence. Because sometimes, once it's gone, it won't be back for good :)